Loss

The phone rings and Hisao picks up.
“Good morning, my name is Haruko Chikada and I’m calling on behalf of the Yamaku Alumni Association. Can I speak to Mr Nakai?”

“Speaking.”

“I am calling because we have recently been informed that one of our former students, Ms Suzu Suzuki, has sadly passed away. We will be writing an obituary for her in the next Alumni Newsletter and, as you are listed as one of her contacts, and I wonder if there was anything you wanted to add to the article?”

Hisao almost puts the phone down as waves of grief threaten to overcome him. Suzu’s death last week closed the happiest decade of his life to date and he still has no idea whether what remains of the family will stay together; he has barely seen Miki since they sat on either side of Suzu’s bed, holding her hands as she took her last breaths.

“Mr Nakai? I am so sorry to intrude on your grief and if this is a bad time I could call back, or I would completely understand if you are not able to say anything.”

“No, no I… she deserves some words and I hope I can send a message to your readers. Suzu succumbed to cancer last week which was not diagnosed until too late. One of the early warning signs, excessive tiredness, was masked because she was narcoleptic and being tired was something she struggled with every day of her life. Please, don’t accept changes in your conditions as ‘normal’. If any of your symptoms intensify seek medical attention. Suzu was angry at herself for ignoring what, in hindsight, were warning signs.”

What Hisao can never say is that he is also angry. He blames himself and he blames Miki for not noticing the changes in Suzu. There is deeply buried, shameful, but persistent anger at Suzu for letting herself die.

“I’m not going to give you the usual list of adjectives to describe her, I’m sure you’ve heard them many times before. The only other thing I want to say is that Suzu was a wonderful friend and an inspiration to all of us who knew her well. She established herself as a feelance critic, reviewing books for newspapers and magazines. She loved this work and she said that her time in the Literature Club at Yamaku gave her the inspiration for following this career. It was also an occupation that her narcolepsy did not affect too much since she could work at home and at her own pace. This is another lesson she taught me, and I hope the readers learn from it too: don’t dwell on what your disability stops you doing, search out what you can do and make a success of it.”

“Thank-you Mr Nakai, I know that this must have been very difficult for you. You have said powerful and important words and I will do my best to do them justice in Ms Suzuki’s obituary.” After a short pause charname continues, “we also have Ms Miura listed as a contact but I haven’t been able to talk to her yet. Can you help me contact her?”

Hisao shrugs, “sorry but I don’t think that I’ll have any more luck that you do in getting in touch with her.”

“Well thank-you for your help. Are you on the mailing list for the newsletter?”

“Yes, I get it via email. I do enjoy reading the success stories you highlight.”

“That’s a kind thing for you to say given the circumstances. We aim to publish Ms Suzuki’s obituary in the next issue, due at the end of this month. I’ll stop intruding on your grief now, thanks again for your message.”

Hisao puts the phone away with a little regret: talking about Suzu was painful but cathartic and he has not had much opportunity to speak to anyone about her since Miki disappeared.

Hisao is halfway through his third glass of whisky when the front door bangs and his heart leaps. “Miki?” he calls apprehensively. She walks in, exhausted, dishevelled, shamed-faced. Hisao is on his feet and by her side so fast he hardly remembers moving. He wraps her in his arms, nose wrinkling at the smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke on her clothes.

“I’m sorry Hisao, I’m sorry I’ve let you down I couldn’t cope I don’t know how to cope I don’t know how to be without her and you must be the same but I wasn’t there for you I don’t know how to…”

“Shh,” he interrupts her, “you’re here now. You’re not going away again are you?” When she shakes her head he sighs in relief. “That’s all that matters, I was so scared that I’d lost you both. I would not be able to bear that”

“Hisao…”

“No, let’s get you cleaned up and I bet you haven’t eaten for days. If you want to say anything after that then that’s fine, otherwise it’ll keep till tomorrow.”

He leads her to the bathroom and undresses her, takes off his own clothes and sits her on the bathing stool. He carefully washes her, noting the bruises and scrapes. He has to wash her hair twice before it is properly clean. Her stump is very red, but he follows his own advice and says nothing. She passively accepts his care and lets him put her in the hot bath. When he turns to the door she protests, “don’t leave me Hisao.”

He stoops and kisses her on the forehead, “I’m just going to throw a pizza in the oven and be right back, you need to eat. So do I for that matter, pizza should soak up the whisky.”

When he comes back to the bathroom he joins her in the bath, sitting behind her so she can lean back into his chest. They sit there without speaking, just being close to each other, until the oven timer alerts Hisao that the pizza is ready. “There’s a clean bathrobe on the back of the door, throw that on and come and eat something.”

Hisao brings the segmented pizza into the lounge and puts it on the low table in the centre of the room, seeing Miki sitting on the couch opposite the telly. Without talking they start eating, reluctance fading as they realise how hungry they are. Before long it is all gone and Miki moves to Hisao and straddles his lap–her habitual position whenever she could. Hisao embraces her with a sob. “I was so scared we’d never share this again.”

Miki hugs him tighter, “I’m sorry Hisao, I’m back now and I’ll nev-”

“Don’t say that unless you know it’s true. Suzu never planned to go away either.”

She nods, the tears starting to run down her face. “Hisao, I have to tell you wha-”

“Sorry, I’m interrupting you all the time. You don’t have to tell me anything specific OK? Just tell me that you’ve been safe. Tell me you haven’t done anything that’ll have anyone looking for you.” He feels her tensing up in his arms. “Miki?”

“Some fucker tried to hit on me in a bar, all I wanted was to drink–all I’ve done is drink–and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I hit him and the owner kicked him out. I don’t think there’ll be any come-back.”

“You weren’t recognised?” When she shakes her head he sighs in relief. “OK, don’t forget you’re a face these days, we were lucky.” Hisao changes the subject. “I spoke to someone from the Yamaku Alumni newsletter earlier today, they’re writing an obituary for Suzu. It was the first time I’ve spoken about her and it helped, a little bit. Do you feel up to talking about her?”

“That’s one of the reasons I came home. I ran from my feelings but they were always there. I thought that being with you would be unbearable, looking at you would make me miss her, but you’re the only one who understands. I love you so much, I love Suzu so much, I don’t want to forget.”

“I feel the same. There’s a huge hole in our lives but let’s face it together. What are we going to do to commemerate her? I still don’t understand why her family had to push us out, it hurt like hell not to be able to go to wake or the funeral.”

“They’ve hated us for years, taking their baby away from them, encouraging her to be independent instead of being a proper woman and having a husband and children. I wonder what they would do if they knew how we actually lived?”

Hisao snorts, “yeah, she certainly wasn’t the misled innocent they seem to think she was. Remember how she would give that innocent look with her sleepy eyes before doing something absolutely filthy?”

“When did you believe we could work as a trio? I knew I couldn’t lose either of you after running myself into the ground that day. Suzu seemed pretty comfortable with it from the start and thinking back, I’m pretty sure the cheeky cow manipulated us both into this. Not that I’ve ever had any complaints! But you…you seemed uncomfortable at the beginning, as if you were going along with it so you didn’t lose me.”

“That was exactly it to start with. I mean it’s not as if I didn’t like Suzu, but you were the one for me, I’d never felt for anyone what I felt for you. What I feel for you. But that week we spent by the sea in the summer holidays when I got to know her better, when we weren’t distracted by school stuff and other people. That’s when I knew that I could love her too. I really liked her sense of humour, how smart she was. And she looked pretty good in that bikini! It was being able to relax with each other, to learn how we could be together in and out of bed, that made me realise how good the three of us were. Like she said, any two would be a great pair but the three together was something else! Which was just as well, you wouldn’t have been satisfied with just one of us, I could tell that you adored being the focus of both of us.”

Miki giggles, “hell yeah, it was great while that lasted. But it was even better when things evened out and it stopped being Miki and Suzu, and Miki and Hisao. When it was just the three of us. Ten amazing years. What blows my mind is how few arguments we had.”

“What was there to argue about? We weren’t shy about being affectionate when we were alone, we were all getting great sex. Most of all we were all happy with the roles we had. Suzu the dreamer, pointing us the way. Hisao the planner, figuring out how to get us there. Miki the doer, making it happen. Sure we all did a bit of each but roughly that’s how it went from my point of view.”

“You’re a simple man, Hisao! Cuddles, plenty of sex, and good food is all you need to be happy. Oh and that maths stuff you do, I know you get jumpy if you don’t do that a few times a week.”

“Ha, you’re not much more complicated yourself! Substitute running for maths and the same applies to you.” He pauses, “how do you think we’ll get on without her? Are you going to be satisfied with just me?”

She shakes her head, “I’m missing her terribly but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with what we’ve got. I thought that you’d worked through that uncertainty years ago?”

“It’s not so much that I’m uncertain, though of course I am feeling lost without Suzu. You’ve been used to having a man and a woman in your bed so I was concerned that there was something you got from her that I couldn’t provide.”

She wraps him up in tight hug. “Yes, there were things Suzu did for me that you don’t and vice versa. But they’re Suzu things, not ‘woman’ things. There a lot we are going to have to adjust to without her but I think our love life is the least of our worries. Anyway I don’t want to think about that now, I want to talk about Suzu with the only other person who really knew her. Get another glass and we’ll sink that bottle to her memory.”

They talk about Suzu for the rest of the night, sharing memories, laughing at the good ones, crying at the sad ones. They know that they will continue to miss her for the rest of their lives, but the despair they had been feeling is starting to give way to grief as, together, they begin to come to terms with their loss.

“What about the baby Hisao? We would have something of Suzu.”

He scratches his head. “The eggs my friend harvested before Suzu started chemo are still in the clinic in America, I don’t think there would be any technical issue in fertilising and implanting one. We’d need to think about whether we should do it and when–I don’t want us to make a hasty decision that we regret later. If we decide to go ahead, we need to have a clear plan on how we would provide for the littl’un.”

What Hisao does not say is that Miki has been earning the most for the last couple of years. Hisao’s research post pays well, but Miki’s high profile as one of Japan’s top sprinters has attracted generous endorsements. Her clothing brand has branched out from sportswear and she has been developing a cosmetics range.

“I’m sure I want to carry Suzu’s baby. She’s left us, but we can have her baby. What would we be waiting for? I think Suzu urged us to take the eggs because she knew that she wouldn’t make it and she wanted to leave something behind for us. It doesn’t stop us having a baby, I don’t want to have just one child.”

“But what about your competitive career?”

Miki takes his hand. “I’ll always love running, but I don’t enjoy competing any more. Don’t get me wrong, racing is in my blood but I’m tired of all the crap that goes with it. I don’t want to be away so much, I don’t want to have to piss into a cup after a race, I don’t want to be gawked at, to have bastards in the crowd shouting that I should be in the cripple event. One girl I beat said that I have an unfair advantage ‘cos I have less weight to carry. Fuck that, I’m really enjoying creating the new clothes, the cosmetics, modelling. I’m going to try my hand at YouTube, my people have been talking to Jeffree Star’s people which is crazy!”

Seeing the confused look on his face, she laughs. “I’m going to be a beauty guru! Vlogging pregnancies is huge too, and then there’s life coaching and motivational vidoes… I’ve spent a lot of time on those endless ‘plane trips working out content. I think our income will go up and I’ll be here more.” Her face falls. “I wish I had been here more, I’ll regret not spending more time with Suzu for the rest of my life.”

“Hey, you can’t think like that! We’ve all been busy establishing our careers, I’ve had to travel too. There’s no way we could have known that we’d lose her.”

“So what do you think about having the baby?”

“Well, even if your new career doesn’t work out we’d be OK financially, I earn enough to keep us going and I could take some of the consultancy work I’ve been offered. I don’t know if I’m going to be a good dad but I really want to find out. We mustn’t expect Suzu’s baby to be a quick fix, it won’t stop us missing her, but at least we’ll have a part of her with us. If you’re sure about the change in direction-”

“Never been more sure. When do we do it?”

He hugs her tightly. “Always got to do everything now! We’ve got to make time for a trip to America. I’ll get on to my friend about setting up an appointment at the clinic. We should get married too, don’t want little Suzu to suffer the stigma of being illegitimate. And we should probably not advertise that you’re carrying a dead woman’s child, we’d never live that down.”

“Marriage vlogs are huge, it’ll be a good way to kick off the channel.” Seeing his surprised look she says, “you don’t mind commercialising the marriage do you? It’s just a meaningless formality as far as I’m concerned, my level of commitment has never depended on a stupid piece of paper.”

“I know, I feel the same way. But it gives us legal and social benefits, and benefits your new career. It feels really shitty that we’re doing this without Suzu and I can’t begin to say how much it sucks that losing her makes things easier. But it’ll make her child’s life easier and I know she’d be OK with that. My only reservation is whether we’re moving too fast. Will people think we’re forgetting her?”

She shakes her head. “No-one really knew how we lived. Maybe there were people who thought it odd that we were still all lived together, but I never heard about it. My mum and your parents haven’t given us grief, though I bet they’re curious. I think they’ll be happy about the wedding. As for how fast we’re moving? Well it’ll take a quite a long time to get the marriage sorted. Well, not so much the marriage but the venue, the publicity, endorsements…”

“OK, but don’t get so busy that we don’t sit down and remember Suzu regularly. Let’s do this for her, and her baby.”

“Agreed. I think we should mobilise our fellow Yamaku alumni. Hanako and Lilly’s restaurants are starting to gaining legendary status, they’d be ideal for catering the event. Natsume and Naomi seem to be all over the papers these days, along with Misaki’s photos, we can see if they’d do a write up for us.”

Hisao frowns, “it’s a hell of a departure from their usual exposé pieces…”

Miki nods, “yeah, but I doubt they’d do a straight puff piece. I’d be interested in seeing how they’d tackle it. And Misaki’s got a fantastic eye, she’s done some stunning pictures of me racing. She’d do the formal set pieces well but also get a lot of candid stuff.”

Hisao checks his watch. “Breakfast time. Don’t know about you, but I’m not feeling sleepy and I’m actually hungry for the first time in days. How about I cook us something up and we go and visit Suzu’s grave? Her parents can’t stop us doing that.”

“I’d like that. We can tell her about the baby and ask her blessing for the marriage. I want her to be the first to know.”